1.15.2004
Open Letter to Maxx Barry
Dear Max,
I know you're Austrian and all (I bet you're real proud of Herr Schwarzenneger), but I need you to stop giving ideas to the marketing hacks that I work with. Thing is, your little idea about adding an extra "x" to your name on the cover of Syrup has seeped into mainstream marketing culture (isn't it all mainstream?) and taken hold of one Kimberly at my place of work. Kimberly, you see, is "Marketing Manager" which means that she gets paid more than the "Marketing Associates" to do nothing to support the ground troops in my eternally f*cked sales division. I'm sorry, my bitterness is showing through. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do this...
Well, it seems that our dear friend Kimberly has taken a page out of the "Make Yourself Look Like a Pompous Ass and Further Alienate Your 'Internal Customers'" book by the one and only Maxx Barry. Kimberly has recently begun to abbreviate her Christian name in a most disturbing way. The standard method for such a truncation would be the removal of the "-berly" section that comprises the end of the name. One simple step to remove not one, but two unsoundly syllables and allow for a simple plosive with which to identify herself. This not only makes it easier for her to refer to herself in the third person (which is often enough that she's starting to think that she someone other than herself), but also easier to sign her name to any number of useless e-mails that are constantly filling my inbox and requiring my God-like sysadmin to shut down my entire mailbox until I delete unneeded reports, spam, and porn.
Now, being a marketing genius (genius defined as someone who steals the dumb ideas of other marketing type hacks), Kimberly has not only taken away from her name, but then added to it as if it were an algebraic _expression or a chemical equation that required balancing. No, she did not add and "x" to her name (that doesn't make sense Barry! Kimx? WTF is that? What are you thinking?) She has launched herself into the anuses of marketing lore with the addition of another "m" to her first name, thereby producing the effect of "Kimm".
If I were still in high school (which I believe is called "University" in Austria) I would be way impressed with this chick's originality and individualism. Like how I was impressed with those chicks who always used to wear black all the time and all look the same as every other vampire I have ever seen. You know the ones - combat boot wearing, punk rock listening, f*ck the establishment types who would spit and squat to take a piss in the middle of a major highway (what you would call the Autobahn.) I used to love those chicks, except I was always scared to talk to them and just wanted to follow the rest of the sheeple to the next pep rally and was waaay excited to be nominated to homecoming court, but was waaay disappointed when I lost to some neo-Nazi skinhead type who got like the entire band to vote for him. But I digress.
So our girl Kimberly, now known as Kimm (and in some circles as Eeyore because of her abundance of enthusiasm), is the ultra hip model of self-marketing. In New York or LA or even Chicago I don't think this type of thing would fly. Those folks are much to worldly and have dealt with more than their share of middle management types trying to make a name for themselves (literally this time) and see right through the BS of it all. But here in suburban Detroit (the only place in America where you'll find Faygo pop, or soda if you prefer) she's the shiznit. For a place that's known for publishing the Encyclopedia Stupid Shit and the New Chronic's Dictionary - she's edgy, and dangerous, and a little bit scary in a mad cow kind of way. Really, who's going to mess with a Kim that has an extra "m"?
In conclusion, Maxx, I blame this all on you. She must have seen your name somewhere along the line and figured that's the way to work it. The way to move up without really doing anything. The way to superstardom in the rust belt. Maxx, this must be stopped before she goes further and decides that she needs to spell her name Kkimm and gets promoted to Senior Corporate Executive Assistant Under Vice President of Stupid Marketing Tricks. You have created this mess, Maxx, and I must tell you how displeased I am with your reindeer games.
With that said - I have enjoyed your books, particularly J. Gov. (even though I had an idea for a book called "The United Corporation of America" about two weeks before I saw your book was already available). I'm aspiring to be a writer, but that shit is hard man and I'm kind of lazy. I have written a piece about defecating at work that you can find here
And I'm now working on a short story about work and the absurd types of folks that I have observed as a sales guy (like my Big Gay VP, the slutty rep who slept her way to $500k, and the sleazy manager who plays the game better than anyone I have ever seen.)
That's that - K4B
ps - what do you think would happen if you crossed the writings of you, Douglas Coupland, Po Bronson, and Chuck Pahlaniuk? Stick that in your blender...
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I know you're Austrian and all (I bet you're real proud of Herr Schwarzenneger), but I need you to stop giving ideas to the marketing hacks that I work with. Thing is, your little idea about adding an extra "x" to your name on the cover of Syrup has seeped into mainstream marketing culture (isn't it all mainstream?) and taken hold of one Kimberly at my place of work. Kimberly, you see, is "Marketing Manager" which means that she gets paid more than the "Marketing Associates" to do nothing to support the ground troops in my eternally f*cked sales division. I'm sorry, my bitterness is showing through. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do this...
Well, it seems that our dear friend Kimberly has taken a page out of the "Make Yourself Look Like a Pompous Ass and Further Alienate Your 'Internal Customers'" book by the one and only Maxx Barry. Kimberly has recently begun to abbreviate her Christian name in a most disturbing way. The standard method for such a truncation would be the removal of the "-berly" section that comprises the end of the name. One simple step to remove not one, but two unsoundly syllables and allow for a simple plosive with which to identify herself. This not only makes it easier for her to refer to herself in the third person (which is often enough that she's starting to think that she someone other than herself), but also easier to sign her name to any number of useless e-mails that are constantly filling my inbox and requiring my God-like sysadmin to shut down my entire mailbox until I delete unneeded reports, spam, and porn.
Now, being a marketing genius (genius defined as someone who steals the dumb ideas of other marketing type hacks), Kimberly has not only taken away from her name, but then added to it as if it were an algebraic _expression or a chemical equation that required balancing. No, she did not add and "x" to her name (that doesn't make sense Barry! Kimx? WTF is that? What are you thinking?) She has launched herself into the anuses of marketing lore with the addition of another "m" to her first name, thereby producing the effect of "Kimm".
If I were still in high school (which I believe is called "University" in Austria) I would be way impressed with this chick's originality and individualism. Like how I was impressed with those chicks who always used to wear black all the time and all look the same as every other vampire I have ever seen. You know the ones - combat boot wearing, punk rock listening, f*ck the establishment types who would spit and squat to take a piss in the middle of a major highway (what you would call the Autobahn.) I used to love those chicks, except I was always scared to talk to them and just wanted to follow the rest of the sheeple to the next pep rally and was waaay excited to be nominated to homecoming court, but was waaay disappointed when I lost to some neo-Nazi skinhead type who got like the entire band to vote for him. But I digress.
So our girl Kimberly, now known as Kimm (and in some circles as Eeyore because of her abundance of enthusiasm), is the ultra hip model of self-marketing. In New York or LA or even Chicago I don't think this type of thing would fly. Those folks are much to worldly and have dealt with more than their share of middle management types trying to make a name for themselves (literally this time) and see right through the BS of it all. But here in suburban Detroit (the only place in America where you'll find Faygo pop, or soda if you prefer) she's the shiznit. For a place that's known for publishing the Encyclopedia Stupid Shit and the New Chronic's Dictionary - she's edgy, and dangerous, and a little bit scary in a mad cow kind of way. Really, who's going to mess with a Kim that has an extra "m"?
In conclusion, Maxx, I blame this all on you. She must have seen your name somewhere along the line and figured that's the way to work it. The way to move up without really doing anything. The way to superstardom in the rust belt. Maxx, this must be stopped before she goes further and decides that she needs to spell her name Kkimm and gets promoted to Senior Corporate Executive Assistant Under Vice President of Stupid Marketing Tricks. You have created this mess, Maxx, and I must tell you how displeased I am with your reindeer games.
With that said - I have enjoyed your books, particularly J. Gov. (even though I had an idea for a book called "The United Corporation of America" about two weeks before I saw your book was already available). I'm aspiring to be a writer, but that shit is hard man and I'm kind of lazy. I have written a piece about defecating at work that you can find here
And I'm now working on a short story about work and the absurd types of folks that I have observed as a sales guy (like my Big Gay VP, the slutty rep who slept her way to $500k, and the sleazy manager who plays the game better than anyone I have ever seen.)
That's that - K4B
ps - what do you think would happen if you crossed the writings of you, Douglas Coupland, Po Bronson, and Chuck Pahlaniuk? Stick that in your blender...
Link 0 comments
