10.12.2003
Upgrade Hell: UPDATE
Finished clearing out Win ME and installing XP. That worked great for about five minutes until my system started hanging for 20-30 seconds at a time just about every 5 minutes. UGH!!! So, back on with ME for now. My cd burner is still not working, and being the non-technical kind of guy that I am I think it's going to end up in the shop for some diagnostics and repair. Good bye hard earned $$$. It was nice to know you... Link
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10.10.2003
Upgrade Hell
I've spent the past two nights upgrading my wife's PC from Windows ME (why don't they just call it Windows BSOD?) to Windows XP. First my CD Burner won't recognie the disc in the drive, then I couldn't add it to the network, then when I did get it onto the network my laptop couldn't connect wirelessly. Now that I know my product key nearly by heart I think I have it figured out. I'm using the upgrade feature, then going to delete the Windows ME back-up, then do a clean install of XP. If there's anyone reading this yet, and you have a better way, please e-mail me. By that time, though, it will probably be too late and I'll have wrecked my wife's computer (which will probably piss her off more than losing 2 years worth of e-mails!), or I'll be a hero and have the thing spinning like a top. Link
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10.07.2003
My Vote Doesn't Count
On the day of the elections in California, maybe this will help to put it into perspective. While I normally want to vomit after reading or listening to Mitch Albom, I have to agree with his take on this. Link
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PETA Pranksters
A follow up to the previous story - PETA sent Roy Boy a fax. Not that this is out of the ordinary. What makes it funny is that they sent it to his hospital room! What's next, an exploding bouqet of flowers to a bear mauling victim? Link
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How Do You Train a Tiger?
Is this really necessary? If a tiger can take down Siegfried and his Roy Toy, two guys who spend their lives with these cats (and, presumably, each other [I wonder if the big cats join in on the man fun...]) do we really have to instruct JimBob down at the trailer park on the fundamentals of owning one? Link
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10.06.2003
Dr. Laura, will you marry me?
She's just the kind of puttin' out woman I need. Not that I would ever let her have her way with me, but I like the attitude...
If husbands are expected to "go to work and earn money" and visit relatives they don't like, she argues, why can't their wives put out on demand?
She also describes other ways a woman can make her marriage flourish: by making her husband her No. 1 priority; by not nagging, nitpicking or whining ("Be honest, girls, this is what we do") and by seeing her husband for what he is: "a gift from God," and respecting him accordingly. Link 0 comments
If husbands are expected to "go to work and earn money" and visit relatives they don't like, she argues, why can't their wives put out on demand?
She also describes other ways a woman can make her marriage flourish: by making her husband her No. 1 priority; by not nagging, nitpicking or whining ("Be honest, girls, this is what we do") and by seeing her husband for what he is: "a gift from God," and respecting him accordingly. Link 0 comments
Do Not Call This Number - (317) 816-9336
10.02.2003
Standard Corporate Restroom Problem
In the course of the professional day at a standard corporate issued job, when one evacuates one's bowels, one is rather likely to have done so without having shat upon one's self. This is not to say that one's Executive Vice President may not take it upon himself to shit upon one's self or one's career, either literally or metaphorically. Additionally, it is rather likely that one's position at the bottom, the toilet as it may be, of the standard corporate power structure is perfectly suited for the receipt of such Corporate Executive Vice President Product. It is also highly likely that one may be required to also cleanse the nether regions of said Executive Vice President so as to avoid the soiling of the leather filled BMW 5 series that occupies the space marked "Reserved for Corporate Executive Vice President." To shit upon one's self, though, is not a likely situation.
However, after a rather long and arduous experience recently (during which both of my feet and a good portion of my legs "fell asleep" with pins and needles) I have registered a concern in my mind with regard to one of the four steps of this ritual that I have not yet been able to resolve. I am quite comfortable with the first steps of lowering the standard white molded plastic seat of the toilet apparatus with the foot so as to avoid any preliminary skin contact, building an ass-nest with multiple squares of paper sufficient enough to 1) protect the exposed skin from direct contact with said seat and 2) soak up any liquid-like deposits that may have been left by the previous operator of the toilet device; and finally opening the belt and pants to be lowered and bunched at calf level in final preparation of the seating procedure. At last, the buttocks are firmly secured on the standard corporate issued seat, water level at the requisite level to receive the product with minimal amount of splash, and at least a full roll of paper (oftentimes two and a half rolls) per corporate facilities management standards at one's disposal for final clean-up, and the process of evacuation can begin.
Of course the final procedure - briskly washing the hands with anti-bacterial disinfectant soap, turning the handles of the faucet with generous amounts of paper towel only after the towels have been used to fully and completely dry the hands and fingers, then using the same towels to pull on the handle of the bathroom door until the foot can be used to prop it open and allow for exit of the facilities - is rife with cleanliness. Thus, the bookends of the ritual, the initial entry/preparation of the stall and the final washing and exit of the corporate standard restroom, are nothing if not antiseptic with their attention to the complete quarantining of the actual surface of the skin from potentially microbe infested surfaces of the standard issue corporate restroom. Of course, between the two of these steps lies the actual defecation function (which is crucial to the completion of the defecation ritual) in which the product slides ever so gently from the exceedingly warm and moist bowel cavity, through the loosened sphincter, and out the waste orifice of the body and into the soothing and cool bath contained by the porcelain bowl.
The step in the ritual that has caused me such angst recently is the penultimate act of the post-defecation ritual. That act having two distinct steps: the asswipe and pull-up of the pants. There are two primary techniques for the asswipe: 1) the fold and 2) the bunch. Either of these techniques can be utilized while either maintaining the sitting position that is used during the primary act of defecation, or can be modified with a full standing or half-standing (squatting) position. For our purposes here the differences in technique are negligible and have no bearing on this study. We will henceforth refer to the asswipe as a general reference to include both techniques.
The asswipe in and of itself is clearly the most dangerous section of this course. Performing the asswipe requires the positioning of the hand in direct contact with the anus and the residual product that has been evacuated from the bowel but has not been removed from the surface of the orifice by the expelling and rhythmic power of the sphincter muscles. This potentially hazardous maneuver must be performed blindly with the participant reaching well beyond the purview of peripheral vision and relying primarily on flexibility, balance, and the intimate knowledge of the depth of one's own crevice. The only barrier between the recently expanded, and now possibly gaping anus and the ever-curious digits of the hand is the porous paper provided for in the corporate standard handbook. In this unnatural position it is highly likely that the fingers, or even the meatier part of the hand - the palm - will escape the prophylactic confines of the aforementioned paper and become soiled with the defecation product. Such a soiling is to be avoided. For in the typically Spartan stalls of public restrooms there is no option other than to furiously wipe and scrub the soiled digits until there is no remaining product visible.
This is not an optimal situation as the toxins contained in the defecation product are very, very small and may remain on the digits even after vigorous mechanical cleansing. This may even result in e. Coli - which is Latin for "death by poo" - contamination. Even if the digits and/or hands appear clean, they may in fact still harbor bits of product which will linger until a thorough washing can be performed. This poses quite a problem to the defecator. At this point in the typical ritual, the participant's pants are still somewhere below waist level, resting at calf level until a full bowel evacuation is complete and they are again needed to perform the duties typical to pants.
If the participant attempts to pull-up the pants and restore the fastening devices properly then it is very likely, nearly an absolute certainty in fact, that the invisible excrement residue will be transferred from the digits to the pants thus soiling an otherwise clean piece of apparel. This invisible excrement residue poses the greatest threat of public fecal contamination. For if the participant chooses to continue with the ritual unabated, the participant will most certainly contaminate the trouser garment as well as any additional surface with which those trousers may come into contact. Of course, there is another option.
The participant can continue on with a single hand, holding the sullied appendage as far from the main portion of the torso as possible, and make a way to the faucet and scrub the affected area with running water and disinfectant anti-bacterial soap. However, the participant must do so with the trousers still resting at the ankles, shuffling side to side from the safety of the stall, big white ass chilling in the breeze of standard corporate air conditioning that is set ten degrees below standard civilian comfort levels. The danger in being exposed in this way is that one's Executive Vice President may, at any moment, walk through the door and, upon finding the employee most likely to expose himself to the Executive Vice President actually doing so, may result in the expeditious physical removal from the standard corporate office building.
This is the quandary that had presented itself to me on that fateful day while performing my own personalized version of the defecation ritual: To defecate and potentially violate one's entire working environment with excrement residue, or to expose one's self to executives whose primary function in life is to stumble upon the low level employee most likely to expose himself actually doing so and dismissing that employee from the standard issue low level corporate job. Each presents potential pitfalls with nary a solution between them. Perhaps in the future this conundrum can be pondered by a Corporate Executive Vice President in the unlikely event that there is not an underling in sight to perform the final cleansing of the anus for him and finally solve this riddle. For this is the reason that Corporate Executive Vice Presidents are the people that they are.
Link 0 comments
However, after a rather long and arduous experience recently (during which both of my feet and a good portion of my legs "fell asleep" with pins and needles) I have registered a concern in my mind with regard to one of the four steps of this ritual that I have not yet been able to resolve. I am quite comfortable with the first steps of lowering the standard white molded plastic seat of the toilet apparatus with the foot so as to avoid any preliminary skin contact, building an ass-nest with multiple squares of paper sufficient enough to 1) protect the exposed skin from direct contact with said seat and 2) soak up any liquid-like deposits that may have been left by the previous operator of the toilet device; and finally opening the belt and pants to be lowered and bunched at calf level in final preparation of the seating procedure. At last, the buttocks are firmly secured on the standard corporate issued seat, water level at the requisite level to receive the product with minimal amount of splash, and at least a full roll of paper (oftentimes two and a half rolls) per corporate facilities management standards at one's disposal for final clean-up, and the process of evacuation can begin.
Of course the final procedure - briskly washing the hands with anti-bacterial disinfectant soap, turning the handles of the faucet with generous amounts of paper towel only after the towels have been used to fully and completely dry the hands and fingers, then using the same towels to pull on the handle of the bathroom door until the foot can be used to prop it open and allow for exit of the facilities - is rife with cleanliness. Thus, the bookends of the ritual, the initial entry/preparation of the stall and the final washing and exit of the corporate standard restroom, are nothing if not antiseptic with their attention to the complete quarantining of the actual surface of the skin from potentially microbe infested surfaces of the standard issue corporate restroom. Of course, between the two of these steps lies the actual defecation function (which is crucial to the completion of the defecation ritual) in which the product slides ever so gently from the exceedingly warm and moist bowel cavity, through the loosened sphincter, and out the waste orifice of the body and into the soothing and cool bath contained by the porcelain bowl.
The step in the ritual that has caused me such angst recently is the penultimate act of the post-defecation ritual. That act having two distinct steps: the asswipe and pull-up of the pants. There are two primary techniques for the asswipe: 1) the fold and 2) the bunch. Either of these techniques can be utilized while either maintaining the sitting position that is used during the primary act of defecation, or can be modified with a full standing or half-standing (squatting) position. For our purposes here the differences in technique are negligible and have no bearing on this study. We will henceforth refer to the asswipe as a general reference to include both techniques.
The asswipe in and of itself is clearly the most dangerous section of this course. Performing the asswipe requires the positioning of the hand in direct contact with the anus and the residual product that has been evacuated from the bowel but has not been removed from the surface of the orifice by the expelling and rhythmic power of the sphincter muscles. This potentially hazardous maneuver must be performed blindly with the participant reaching well beyond the purview of peripheral vision and relying primarily on flexibility, balance, and the intimate knowledge of the depth of one's own crevice. The only barrier between the recently expanded, and now possibly gaping anus and the ever-curious digits of the hand is the porous paper provided for in the corporate standard handbook. In this unnatural position it is highly likely that the fingers, or even the meatier part of the hand - the palm - will escape the prophylactic confines of the aforementioned paper and become soiled with the defecation product. Such a soiling is to be avoided. For in the typically Spartan stalls of public restrooms there is no option other than to furiously wipe and scrub the soiled digits until there is no remaining product visible.
This is not an optimal situation as the toxins contained in the defecation product are very, very small and may remain on the digits even after vigorous mechanical cleansing. This may even result in e. Coli - which is Latin for "death by poo" - contamination. Even if the digits and/or hands appear clean, they may in fact still harbor bits of product which will linger until a thorough washing can be performed. This poses quite a problem to the defecator. At this point in the typical ritual, the participant's pants are still somewhere below waist level, resting at calf level until a full bowel evacuation is complete and they are again needed to perform the duties typical to pants.
If the participant attempts to pull-up the pants and restore the fastening devices properly then it is very likely, nearly an absolute certainty in fact, that the invisible excrement residue will be transferred from the digits to the pants thus soiling an otherwise clean piece of apparel. This invisible excrement residue poses the greatest threat of public fecal contamination. For if the participant chooses to continue with the ritual unabated, the participant will most certainly contaminate the trouser garment as well as any additional surface with which those trousers may come into contact. Of course, there is another option.
The participant can continue on with a single hand, holding the sullied appendage as far from the main portion of the torso as possible, and make a way to the faucet and scrub the affected area with running water and disinfectant anti-bacterial soap. However, the participant must do so with the trousers still resting at the ankles, shuffling side to side from the safety of the stall, big white ass chilling in the breeze of standard corporate air conditioning that is set ten degrees below standard civilian comfort levels. The danger in being exposed in this way is that one's Executive Vice President may, at any moment, walk through the door and, upon finding the employee most likely to expose himself to the Executive Vice President actually doing so, may result in the expeditious physical removal from the standard corporate office building.
This is the quandary that had presented itself to me on that fateful day while performing my own personalized version of the defecation ritual: To defecate and potentially violate one's entire working environment with excrement residue, or to expose one's self to executives whose primary function in life is to stumble upon the low level employee most likely to expose himself actually doing so and dismissing that employee from the standard issue low level corporate job. Each presents potential pitfalls with nary a solution between them. Perhaps in the future this conundrum can be pondered by a Corporate Executive Vice President in the unlikely event that there is not an underling in sight to perform the final cleansing of the anus for him and finally solve this riddle. For this is the reason that Corporate Executive Vice Presidents are the people that they are.
Link 0 comments
10.01.2003
Tighty Whitey Rug
